You Will Seek Me and Find Me

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with your whole heart." Jeremiah 29:13

In the past month, things at my home were not as they should be. We began to feel like those families who talk about difficult teenagers and felt some darkness creep into our relationship with our children. In my heart, I felt bitterness and selfishness creep in. I wanted to be appreciated, I wanted to be honored, but I wasn’t seeing that fruit in my children. Why? What did I need to do to teach my children obedience, initiative and thankfulness? I knew it was not God’s will for us to just bear up under the teenage years. I had so looked forward to the journey and I so enjoy who my children are.

I had no answers, but God sent the first piece of help to lift my burden. My husband took over where God called him too and grasped the ultimate accountability that needed to take place. Young men need to know firmness and stability and God showed that to Steve. He now carries the yoke I was trying to manage alone and that was too heavy for me. Consistency is not my gift. So, when the boys don’t finish something the first time I ask, I just write it down. In fact, they have a chore box and I don’t and shouldn’t need to ask, so what is not done, is left for dad at the end of the day to confront. He takes a few minutes to deal with it where it would have been a constant battle if it were my responsibility all day. In a day or two, the boys have changed their attitude. My heart was thankful, but I was still carrying wounds from the year of battle that had ensued. I knew I had to go where God could take me to a new place.

Yearly, God and I go on vacation together for a weekend. It is fun to go on a family vacation, but it is healing to go on a vacation with God. We spent time together at a state park inn, where I could see nature speak of His glory, find silence and walk with Him in the garden like Adam and Eve did. At the beginning of the weekend, there is a waiting and a transition process where I let go of the world to wait upon Him. It is in the waiting upon Him that the miracles occur.

As the school year ended last year, I knew that I was valuing too much of what man sees as important. I remembered the verse, “The foolishness of God is wiser than man’s wisdom.” Fear of man, that was what I suffered from. I had dared to doubt that God’s children, my children, would succeed if I didn’t have everything planned just perfectly. The Lord reminded me of this verse and that I could find all the help I needed in Him.  In my stubbornness, I had recently cried out, “I can’t do this!”

God started to bring my attention to youth around the country who were hungry for God. Over education, over math, I knew my kids have a destiny that the Lord has created them for. God has placed a passion in my heart raise ministers to the Lord. Not a specific job, but a heart destiny and a mission to bring the Spirit of the Lord to the places where darkness has a stronghold. Focus was returning and I knew I could no longer bear life without more of the closeness I desired with God. I had to wait for it before Him on my knees. I knew what needed to happen. God had placed a strong desire in my heart to be in His presence. This wasn’t a new desire; it has burdened me for years, but I hadn’t poured my whole heart into seeking it. I had often looked to my church to have the same vision, but now I knew that it was my responsibility alone to seek out God and cry, “Show me Your Glory!”

I long to be in the presence of the people of God as they come with unbridled joy before the King of Glory, where He meets us and heals all of our diseases, and pours out his love on us in a very tangible way.  Just as Moses cried out “Show me Your glory!” I cried out to God for healing of my heart over the weekend. “Show me what I need to repent of Lord.” Ughh. Yes, the Spirit was quick to bring to mind my harsh words, my impatience, my lack of Godly example and leadership. Man’s ways of child rearing didn’t work for me. I didn’t have a new kid by Friday, even though I read the book and did it. It was empty for me. I know now it was because God wanted their hearts and not just obedience. True honor was his standard.  I could not teach that, I could only model it and the Holy Spirit would have to  do the rest. “Teach me!” I cried out. After, mourning the damage I had done with my words, I thanked God for His mercy and prayed for my family to be healed and merciful to me.  I had been pretty unlovable. “Show me what you want me to know!” I continued to plead.  He drew me to listen to a young girl, a singer, who was in love with Jesus. Her song was one I’d heard before, but I had not received the words into my Spirit yet. “Oh How He Loves Us.” The healing began as I kneeled and cried out to God and sang. Tears of joy flowed as my holy God and I sat together in that room on my knees.  I could not leave His presence until He let me go, but I knew the bricks were being laid for me to walk on so I waited. The Father sometimes only takes us a step at a time but when we reach the place He has prepared for us and the door opens, praise Him for he has much in store for us.  What we receive depends on our eagerness and commitment to finding it. 

Oh, how he loves us and created us for fellowship with HIM. If I did not give Him that time and honor, I was not doing what I was created to do and disharmony allowed the enemy to hook my attitude. Praise Him that in Christ, we too can shout, “Show me Your Glory.” Our Father is so anxious to respond to the cries and praises His people. We forget this because we are too busy letting man be our guide and busyness be our God, but we are only robbing ourselves when we don’t give Him a large part of our day.

Only in the grace of God and in the glory of His throne does all else come into perspective.

My weekend journey is like the end of the road of seeking, yet the beginning of a journey on a higher floor. I go expecting the Lord to give me whatever He needs me to have. Every moment I keep my eyes and heart open so I don’t miss it, yet I often don’t know what I’m looking for. In the past year, I hosted a women’s prayer group, praying for the power of God to infect the church with a heart for prayer and praise. Answers seemed to be coming so slowly, and I believe God is ready to show me what he’s done. While the waiting took patience, over the year I learned how much God does love his Church and that we, as the body, have a right to pray for God to remove what does not please Him and pray in what does. I have continued a journey into how I can bring healing to the people who are hurting through prayer. I knew what I was doing was good, but really not good enough, according to the large vision God had put into my heart. My vision was to be where the Spirit of God hovered and a large group of people cried out to God and praised him in worship completely led by the Spirit of God. I knew that if we set aside religion and the clock one night of the week, let go of our plans and schedules, and just came expecting the Lord to show up, heaven would meet earth, and God would bring conviction into the hearts of those who entered. We would then have a place where we could lead people, not to a message of the week, but to the real and tangible presence of the Lord. I am by nature always looking for an easier way and love the thought of giving the work to the Master and not continuing in our own striving.  

Sunday morning, I began to pray again and worship alone in my room, not sure of my direction. I thought of going to church, since I was up, but I didn’t feel drawn to any of the local churches in the town where I was. The Lord brought to mind a church he had brought to my attention a year ago through a friend that I prayed with. It wasn’t near my house, but I was ready to go any distance to continue finding where He wanted to take me. I had time to get to the service, although it was about an hour away. I packed everything and left, loving that I was just free to go where the Lord led me.

I arrived 20 minutes late, but just in time. I walked into the service knowing that God was going to meet me there. I was not disappointed. The people were crying out for the Spirit of the Lord to come into the room in song. Then, “Oh How He Loves Us” was sung. God had prepared me for this service and all my messages were confirmed in it. Don’t fear man, God has a plan for you to reach people. He loves us. There was even a prophetic word speaking just those thoughts. I know God is preparing His people for more and pouring out His Spirit. The worship time was breathtaking. I opened my arms wide to receive the presence of the Lord and it fell on me like a weight that rested lightly over me and lingered. The music and praise continued, and continued, and as I held the Spirit on me, I knew the Lord was not done yet, and miraculously, the pastor knew it too. “Keep worshipping,” he urged., “We’ll just silently pass the offering basket but not disturb the flow of the worship. The Spirit of the Lord is not finished.” True peace flowing from that agreement of spirit flooded me. I had not felt such freedom in my life! Children were dancing in the back of the church celebrating, full of joy. What a gift I received, a retreat designed just for me, according to the cry of my heart. He is sufficient to meet all of our needs. The peace has not left me and the joy of the Lord is carrying me thought every moment. It is HIS joy over me that I learned. It is not depended upon MY joy. I visited God and He visited me and showed me healing that is available in His presence.

I came home and continued to crave more of the presence of God. I watched a great evangelist speak of God’s call to this generation. My children are doing their chores and have miraculous honor for their parents and for each other. The few spats have been times where I have only had to remind them of God’s will for their behavior. The joy of the Lord is contagious. God has continued to draw me to his presence, almost like a magnet to iron. Remember the Mary and Martha account in the Bible? Jesus corrected Martha for not taking time to do what was important, to sit at his feet, appreciate His presence and learn while He was there. Our ministries and activities are also very Martha like much of the time. We are often doing things that God has not even directed us to do. Jesus requested no meal, yet Martha was running all over making sure he had one. She missed the mark. When we go into ministry without sitting at the feet of Christ and letting his presence speak truth, we also miss the mark and commit to things that fall short of the simple ministry of the presence of the Lord Himself.  Have mercy on us Father!

“Father, keep this message first in our minds. It is you we crave. It is YOU who bring healing. It is YOU who are all sufficient, the God who provides all of our needs. We can provide food and goods to the world, but if we have the Spirit of the Lord and we don’t pass on that most precious gift that keeps on giving, we are not showing true love, the love you died to give us. Jesus, pray to the Father to pour out your Spirit on our community. Call us to your presence so we don’t leave the living water behind in our efforts to help. Blessed are you Most High, Your name is higher than the mountains, it is the power behind the lightning, it is the glory of the heavens and the voice we crave to speak. Let the power of your Spirit bring to life the efforts of the church. Take away our veil and open our hands. Bend our knees and draw our tears of repentance for not ministering to you as you deserve. Holy, Holy, Holy God. I fall at your feet crying out for you to give us more of your presence, all that you have to give us and give us the joy to carry it in to your people. Heal the sick, feed the poor, cast out demons, and open the doors to heaven so we can see your glory Most High! I love you Lord! Let your people see!”

Amen